I woke up that morning knowing that my world would change, I told myself over and over again that I had to build the courage to face the decision I made. The decision I made alone, the thing I want more than anything. I had to get my legs to move and to walk to the car and go. I had to go. I had to go alone. I had to protect myself and what was coming. I could no longer think for myself. I had to choose between two things I loved, one that might not be there and one who was already gone. I could not lose two things, my heart knew at that moment that it was no longer about either of us but something much greater. I had to do this.
I walked in there alone, having the support of many but I had to this alone. I have faced many things in life but this was the hardest. Two hours later I was out and left without an answer. I was so sure of my future a little over a month ago, the odds seemed in my favor. Now there was another ring on my finger, not the one that I wanted. Now the one thing I wanted was no longer in my control. I wanted hope more than anything so I went to the one place I considered home for a long time. I do not know what I was expecting, an “it is gonna be okay” might have been it. Instead I got anger in their voice and I knew it that moment I was not wanted. I could not move, I knew I was not wanted there but why the hell could I not move? All I could do is apologize, what the hell was I waiting for?
At that moment, one song came to mind. The lyrics to How to Save a Life by the Fray, “as he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours grant him one last choice…..and you’ll begin to wonder why you came”.
I finally got the courage to leave. It was in that moment that I felt as though I deserved this. I made a phone call and then another. I sat outside in a car that was not mine and thought to myself, “I deserved that”. I was waiting for the phone to ring, waiting to know if I had lost two things because the other was so far gone. I walked into the place I lived and sobbed and arms wrapped around me. In that moment, a phone call came. It was not for me. The pain was incalculable. “She is being taken by ambulance”. I looked at my watch and thought, “5 minutes. It has been 5 minutes”. At that moment, my tears ran dry. I kept telling myself I needed to come back and be there for the one man who will always be there. I could only offer my physical presence. Things come in three’s.
He left to the hospital. I sat there. People came over to keep me company but I was no longer in my own company. I talked and talked but I felt nothing. I just wanted her to be okay. I wanted to feel something. I did not remember falling asleep that day. I do not remember much about the visit the day after. These 11 days have been a blur. I still don’t know the results. I fear what will come and what is coming. One of the three things is okay, after a week long stay she is okay and will be.
I do not know how I will get through this but 50 days ago, I knew my life would change. 42 days ago, I lost something I loved. I loved wrongly but I loved nonetheless. 40 days ago, I knew for sure my life would be different. I guess I just wait for hope and for a faith restored.
There are a few things I learned in these 11 days.
- Choose your friends wisely. I had a few who are here through everything, when I could not feel they did it for me. A bestfriend is also important, she has been here for it all. Staying the night and just trying to keep company. A lot of people rose from the ashes, a lot of great people. People emerged, some who I had not spoken to for a very long time and even those who I may have once loved.
- Seek help, seek counseling. When you can no longer identify with yourself, when you begin to hate waking up, when you look at the people you love and feel nothing, and when you no longer feel.
- Music can tell you your feelings when you do not know how to put them in words.
- There are things you can not control, try not to stress. Easier said than done but time will help.
- What is meant to be will be. Absence either makes the heart go fonder or out of sight means out of mind.
- You get what you put out. You can’t push people to their breaking point and expect them to be there. The notion that love is not enough is sometimes true to someone. “A thousand moments that I had took for granted – mostly because I had assumed there would be a thousand more” – Morgan Matson
Ernest Hemingway once won a bet that he could develop a six-word short story that would bring people to tears, it goes like this: “for sale: baby shoes. never worn”
“Every child comes with the message that God has not yet discouraged of man” – Rabindranath Tagore
“Maybe…you’ll fall in love with me all over again.”
“hell”, I said, ” I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me”
“Yes, I want to ruin you “
“Good”, I said, “that is what I want too”
-Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Inside these lines 