Alcohol in the wound

“This mix could burn a hole in anyone, it was you I was thinking of” -Jack’s Mannequin

The worst part is not being able to control anything.  You can not tell the world to stop, you do not know when the next thing will come and to what degree, and you most certainly do not know how you will handle the pain. All you can do is wait and wish for the courage to face what is coming. I can still sometimes feel my heart shatter and I can see the people around trying to repair it but they quickly come to the realization that the pieces are too much and too scattered.  The process is the same as breaking a glass.  You think all the pieces are picked up and one day as you are walking, you step on a tiny piece and wonder how much more there are.

I remember waking up at 4 a.m. thirteen days ago, I had never felt a physical pain that great.  I looked around and realized I could not get up, it’s as if I could not move.  I remember looking around the dark room and trying to gather all the courage to see what was happening.  “Where are you?”, I thought to myself.  This is not happening.  I convinced myself I was in a dream, I felt the sweat running down my temple and I just closed my eyes.  Falling asleep was better than falling apart.

The worse was yet to come.  There are few moments I can look at and think, “that is when I became something different”.  Things come in a series and it is pleasant to think that everything happens for a reason and that this pain will reveal something great in the future but is that just ignorance? Do we just tell ourselves that to get through the day? There are choices we make that lead us to that exact moment.  Maybe we kid ourselves into thinking that it happened for a reason or that it is for the best.  Too often we take for granted the comfort that someone can bring, it is not until you are in so much pain that you realize how much more bearable it would be.  It would be.

Crisis brings people together or tears them apart.  Isn’t it funny how you can have a dozen hearts there for you but your heart still depends on something else?  Family and friends can’t seem to fill it, no matter how big the gesture or how creative the words they string together.  People will try and fill the void.  One even anonymous in their text messages and emails but nonetheless, they somehow want to be apart of your life.  Some attempt to get into your heart because it is vulnerable and the sound of it shattering tricks them into thinking they can be a handyman for it.  Some will remind you of the fact that the person your heart wants has abandoned you in a crucial time.  Some emerge and try and take the place of the other, some of which you least expect. The truth is, none stand a chance because the heart does not care for logic or reality.  It will constantly remind you.

“They witnessed her destruction, they were left to wonder why she saw nothing but darkness, though the stars shone in her eyes, but maybe they had forgotten when they failed to see the cracks that a star’s light shines the brightest when it’s starting to collapse” -Ernest Hemingway 

“And now it’s too late for a soliloquy, it’s way too late for dignity, it’s time for apologies” -Grace Potter & The Nocturnals: Apologies