On my knees

But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… and his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart. The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life head meaning. -OTH

There are increments in the day where I think of who we are and for one second, I’m free. I think it was the moment I realized that I wanted to tell you anything and everything or maybe it was the look in your eye as you longed for better for me. Maybe it’s that gasp you let out in between moments of relief. John Green once said that there are small infinities and big infinities. I fear that he’s correct about the small loop that is us.

You are light. I’m undeserving. I have only ever been used to inconsistency. The only thing I have ever known to be real is that I there are a series of unfortunate events waiting to happen and you are more than that. I’m a settler when I’m not a gypsy. I’m a coward. I’m a mine in a field waiting to detonate the second I am touched. A wrecking ball.

Sometimes I think about how holy you are and how you make me believe I’m a better person. How you make me feel like I can be a follower of God and how you restored my faith in all things good. Do you know how powerful that is for someone like me? There’s a song I used to sing when I was younger, a song about a boy who saves a girl from her old ways. It’s a pretty big hit, but you probably don’t know that. Despite your lack of punk rock knowledge, you are grand.

Then the guilt settles in. The denial that there’s another life for me. That in order to choose my happiness, I have to take away someone else’s. There’s a path of least resistance that has been paved out for me since before we met. My heart has to turn away from what it yearns for in order to be this person who is holy and good. A person with integrity and loyalty at the cost of my happiness and so, I walk away. I’ll be the woman at 80 who could’ve had it all but instead chose fear over her own happiness.